he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
