god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
