im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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