I don't usually arrange sex via text message
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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