i already hear my dad disowning me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
