its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
