i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
