If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
