I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize