If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize