Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
