maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize