There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
