Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
