I think I died a long time ago.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
