If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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