I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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