So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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