I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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