mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i think i just lost a toe
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
