I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
