A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Randomize
