these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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