hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
