the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
