before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize