He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
