please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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