Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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