I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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