i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
