I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
