he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
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