I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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