On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Sober January is a disaster.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
