Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
