i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
