I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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