I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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