I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
