im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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