There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
