Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
