I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
