yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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