Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
