I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
