What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
