i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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