you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
