Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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