you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
There r osticjed everywhere
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
