I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
