It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize