apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
