Im at strip club and am horny
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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