put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
