As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
