I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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