I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
