Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i was born a porn star she said
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
be right there i have to get my cape
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
