I just threw up on my dentist
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm like, not good at living.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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