Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
