i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Randomize