Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
