Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
